It all fell down....

I did not chase him with a knife. Not intentionally.
I did have a knife in my hand and then he ran out of my apartment and I took off after him.
I would NEVER do anything to hurt him like that.

So why did I have the knife in my hand? Well, I was going to cut myself, my arm in fact because I had caused all this distress and sadness and now he was leaving me and I had to make myself pay for that.

I had got upset because he showed up on my perfect night early before I was ready and I had wanted to look beautiful for him. He was drunk and he had been drinking with the one person who I could not deal him being with (an awful whore of a girl who was trying to seduce him - her name is Kylie. I would post her surname and address if I knew it!) and on my perfect day of all days. We then had a fight and he told me "I don't love you." ON MY BIRTHDAY!
Eventually all got sorted out and I went out with him cause he was going to take me to dinner but he wanted to go to the pub first, which we did, where he suggested that he would buy me porn as a present.

I stormed out. I couldn't take it. Why was he ruining this day that meant everything to me?
I didn't understand. This day meant everything to me and he was destroying it. He came out and we had a huge argument in the street where I started hitting him. I was so upset and I slipped and fell over. He just stood there looking at me. This should have been a defining moment, now I see it written down. I fell over and he just didn't do anything. He just didn't care.

We got in a cab and argued and argued. I had my mother on the phone. I can't remember what exactly was happening, but my heart was aching. It hurt so much, I thought I was going to stop breathing. I said unforgivable things to him, things I cannot bear to even think of let alone type her.
I didn't mean any of it. I was hurting so badly. I wanted to make him hurt as bad as I was. It was stupid and I knew things were falling apart and I was panicing.

I just wish I could change it all, take it all back. I want desperatly to fix it but he doesn't want it fixed. He doesn't want me.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

The birthday was a BIG event. I knew that I could turn everything around and things would start to be happy again. It was decided that B would have a boys night out on Friday and then come over on saturday afternoon. I knew he would call on the friday night cause I live close to the city and it is just easier for him to stay here but as the night wore on I realised that I just needed some time on my own to gather my thoughts and just hang out with The Cat, cause we hadn't really been alone for a while. I sent him a message to let him know that I would see him tomorrow and of course that we would have brilliant day.

People said he would let me down cause he was always being thoughtless and self centred (like the whole easter incident which is not worth mentioning any more) but I knew he would get it right and everyone would realise he really was the fabulous guy I was in love with.

But on 13th May at 4.30am everything started to go wrong. He called be totally inebriatted telling me he had had all his cards and money stolen and that he needed to come around. I of course waited for him only to have him buzz my apartment and then promplty thow up all over the stairs in the common area. It was then established that the cards had been lost not stolen and he collapsed in a heap on my nice clean bed smelling of vomit, ciggarette smoke and stale beer. It was distressing, I had repeatedly asked him not to come around plastered when I was sober but he did and proceeded to cause havoc. I was so distressed to be roused from my peaceful sleep to this that I broke down in tears what else was I going to do? I screamed and yelled and kicked him out.

The next morning I said to myself it didn't matter. Nothing was going to ruin today he was going to make it fabulous for me. Then I walked out my front door to be confronted by a printed note from my neighbour regarding the vomiting incident. I should have taken it in my stride but this neighbour is always more interested in what I am doing and constantly leave notes even when I haven't done anything. I was enraged, my day was turning into shit but I knew I just had to go on through the day and then tonight would be perfect.

I spent the morning at the hairdressers getting a hair style that cost a fortune and totally over indulging but it didn't matter cause I wanted to look perfect for tonight.

Eventually coming home and trying to get ready for my perfect night.

This is where everything went wrong and descended into the worst birthday I even had. Even worse than my 21st when I found my friend and the guy I was dating f*cking in the toilets of my workplace.

So that's what's wrong with me.

I never asked to suffer from this "illness" and I sure as hell don't enjoy it. Relationship after relationship (both romantic and friendly) lay in tatters behind me. I was apparently a happy outgoing child once who was full of sunshine and laughter - I don't remember that at all.

I don't remember a lot of things and when I am at a low like I am now I definitely don't remember ever having anything that filled me with happiness and joy.

I really liked B. He made me feel normal, he probably caused me more problems than a partner should but he made me laugh. I liked having him stay here with me and just hanging out. I liked when he cooked for me or when I cooked for him. I liked kicking his ass on the playstation. I liked going to the casino with him, going to the movies, watching DVD's. He said that in about six months we would move in together. I was so excited. I felt like a grown up, someone would care about me enough that they would want to share my life. I couldn't wait - I wanted us to go to Freedom and pick out furniture like all those smug couples you see wandering around on saturday mornings. I liked sleeping in with him. I liked his "panda" hugs and kisses that were just for me. I loved it when I did something that he thought was clever and he would say "You are such an inventive panda, always thinking of clever things". I felt so special. For the first time I can remember, someone finally thought I was someone who was worth something.

Most of the time that was how I felt and that is what I miss but I don't think he knew about any of that. I don't think anyone knew I felt like that.

This stupid thing I have is all consuming. It takes the tiniest things and makes them huge unbearable issues that one person cannot cope with alone. There is constant drama and just getting through the day can be a struggle on a good day when things are going well... when things are going bad you prey for death to end it all.

I yelled at him a lot. I didn't mean to. He would do stupid things to annoy me and thought he was being funny but where most people would just get a tad annoyed by this playful teasing I would have a full blown meltdown. It was too much for him to handle.

My life was falling apart. We had broken up a couple of months ago and like a complete idiot I tried to deal with it by popping pills and downing huge ammounts of alcohol. I had been feeling ill and then all of a sudden had excrutiating pains in my lower stomach. I went to the doctor and it turned out I was having a miscarriage. Everything went wrong from there, I knew that this was all my fault. I had taken all those pills and drank all that alcohol and killed my baby. Suddenly everything seemed really dark. I hated everything. B came back but I could never tell him what had happended, he would say I was trying to manipulate him or even worse he would blame me for what happend and I was already heaping blame on to myself and wouldn't be able to bear if he did as well.

So I tried to deal with it as best as I could, which was not very well. I continued to pop painkillers and had to try and face a job that I despised. I stopped going in to work, I stopped functioning completely. B stood by me, hoping, I'm sure, that there would be a return to the fun outgoing girl he had met a couple of months earlier but the cracks kept widening and I just couldn't cope. He couldn't have been having fun and I am sure he couldn't have been happy, all I did was mope around and cry and scream and yell. If things were really bad I would grab a knife and start slashing at my arms. Things had to change and I was determined to get out of this huge hole. My 29th birthday was approaching and I resigned from the job I never went to and decided that it was time to make a fresh start. I said to him "It's our birthdays soon and we will start a new. Everything is going to be so great from now on, just wait and see."
And I honestly believed that it would be.

"What the hell is wrong with you....?"

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women. There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases.

This is the end...

It is such a familiar sight. Scarlett slash of blood red against milky white flesh tone. And it hurts, like it always does but this is one scar that I will not have to face daily for the rest of my life, not on the outside at least.

I wanted to fix things, I just wanted to make him realise that I was a good person and that I could change and be better for him. But he had already decided the fate of this relationship, it was over and no ammount of begging or pleading on my part could change that. We were never going to be together again. Even as I had been sitting on the cold bus on the way over to his house I knew it would be what he said but the optimist (or obsessive) in me said that if he just saw me he would realise how happy I could make him.

"We will never be a couple again". I am aware of a coldness closing in around me, and I can feel panic rising inside me and a crushing pain in my chest. It occurs that everything he ever said to me was a lie. He didn't like me, he didn't care about me and he deffinatley was not my friend because if he was he wouldn't be hurting me like this. I also realise that I need to hurt him back, I need to do something that will hurt him as much as he is hurting me but there is nothing that I can do or say that will, so I will do something that will leave an impact.
There in the middle of the floor sits a glass of red wine, half empty, it has probably been there a couple of days judging by the scum of dust pooling on top. It just happends to be sitting half a meter away from the belowed cream lounge. If there is one thing B is it is materialistic and possessions and money mean more to him than anything else. I lunge forward for the glass at the same time he does but the thing is I have the advantage because I have been contemplating this for what feels like a lifetime although it is probably only 10 seconds but I swear for those 10 seconds my heart has stopped and my world has crumbled. I grab it and throw all over that stupid couch. It seeps in within seconds and I drop to the ground sobbing.

"You stupid bitch...look what you've done to my couch, it's ruined!" he yells and I scream back " What about my heart - you broke that, it's ruined and nothing can fix it!".

After that it is the usual blur of panic and rage as I go to leave but somehow end up in a physical fight with him. I am screaming and crying and panicing and so confussed I don't know what to do. After I leave I try to pretend that I got him good, taught him a lesson and I am the winner.

Not true at all, I am so ashamed and humilated by what I have done I can hardly live with myself. If the man had any shred of respect left for me it is now gone and instead of remembering me as a fun, outgoing, friendly girl (like that was going to happen) he will remember me as a vicious, nasty, cunning bitch who he is glad he left cause she was nothing but trouble and that to me is so painful I feel like I can hardly breath. It is from here that rock bottom starts to approach quickly and I do not know what will happen next.